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Hidden Lower Back Pain Causes that Make People Suffer

Posted from http://feeds.lifehack.org/~r/LifeHack/~3/Lt1kmHPxPS8/hidden-lower-back-pain-causes-that-make-people-suffer

I’ve recently trained a guy that is complaining about back problems. This person is completely young, muscular and mentally fit.

He is not working on a desk the whole time. He works in a job where he’s required to stand up. He’s even going to the gym frequently for years. What he truly lacks though is awareness of his own body.

What Really Causes Lower Back Pain

There are multiple causes that could lead to your pain. Your back pain could be caused for example by stress, diet, sitting or lack of physical activity to name a few. But the root cause is often simply a faulty proprioception. People are not aware about their position of their back.

Speaking of the guy in the gym, whenever I told him he should keep a straight back he couldn’t do it on his own. I was asking him if his back was straight while doing a certain movement and he told me that he thought it was. But it wasn’t.

This person wasn’t aware of his own body movements. This may sound strange but this phenomena is all too common. I once spoke with a Salsa dancer, that told me that the teachers struggle a lot to teach their students certain dance movements because the students are basically not aware of themselves.

This faulty self awareness can lead to a constant bending of your back, without you even realizing it. This is extremely damaging for your spine in the long-term. especially if you’re training in the gym and lifting a lot of heavy weights with a bended back. You’re damaging your spine over and over again. As said in my previous article, back pain is a cumulative trauma disorder. Back pain develops over time.

I suffered from back pain too. The reason why I’m not suffering from back pain anymore, is definitely partly because of bettering my self awareness.

I realized that every time I’d work out and do the back squats I would go so deep that my lower back would be slightly bended. I would wake up the next day after my training and would feel pain in my spine. I thought this was a normal part of my leg day routine. I was wrong.

Only later did I realize, during my Certification program, that I’m doing that exercise wrong. When a prof came up to me and asked me if I’m feeling any pain in my lower back, I was embarrassed but I had to agree.

How To Check Yourself

The only way to resolve a problem is to first realize that there is a problem. You could tell an alcoholic every day that he should drink less, but if he himself doesn’t realize that he has a problem, your suggestions are worthless.

I recommend people to talk to a certified Fitness Coach whenever they’re trying to minimize their back pain. Simply ask your coach that he should take a look at you while you’re sitting down and standing up from a chair. Also he should take a look at your workout routine. If he realize that your back is bending constantly, he should show you how to keep your back straight the whole time. A bended back is a warning sign and should be resolved immediately.

If you realize that you’re lacking self awareness, don’t beat yourself up over it. Move on. It can be fixed if you work on it.

I didn’t even realize that my lower back was bending at a certain point. I didn’t have enough self awareness to realize that. Few of us have. That is why it’s so crucial to have another person literally watching your back.

The young person that I’ve talked about in the beginning made a very important decision. He signed up to a gym and hired a fitness coach that took a look at his daily movement habits. This is crucial, I’m glad to say that he’s already improving. You could simply ask your spouse or a friend, but remember that the advice will not be as professional.

Are you bending your back while you’re doing daily tasks? Like lifting up a pen? If yes, try to fix them as fast as possible. Once you’ve fixed them and you’ve bettered your self awareness, focus on the other tasks.

What’s Next After Realizing the Problem

We start with fixing our self awareness because it’s usually the part that deals the most damage to your spine. It’s also the part that is the hardest one to change. Change your proprioception first and all the other habit changes will be easy. Like getting your diet in order, stop sitting, start stretching and exercising properly.

If you’re looking for ways to relieve your back pain, check out my other articles:

The post Hidden Lower Back Pain Causes that Make People Suffer appeared first on Lifehack.


By |September 18th, 2017|blog|0 Comments

How to Make Difficult Problems Easier to Solve with Systems Thinking

Posted from http://feeds.lifehack.org/~r/LifeHack/~3/rq4dZxse8h4/how-to-make-difficult-problems-easier-to-solve-with-systems-thinking

Everything and every time we think, we are projecting our own view on reality. [1] Revolutionary Systems Thinker and professor at Cornell University Derek Cabrera remarked,

“When we understand the world as being the result of systems of relationships, we better approximate reality.”

I recently came across Derek’s book Systems Thinking Made Simple: New Hope for Solving Wicked Problems and I was hooked! I was immediately converted to the field of Systems Thinking. In fact, I plan on using Systems Thinking as my new algorithm for everything I do.

After speaking with Derek, I decided to write an article that was similar to a book review, yet also a how-to. This article will focus on Derek’s new version of Systems Thinking (v2.0), how to use it, and some tools to use with it. So, let’s take a look at what Systems Thinking v2.0 is.

The Best Way to Solve Wicked Problems

If you had to think of the problem that underlies all other problems, what would you say it is? Derek informs us that it is the way we think and until we change the way we think, we will find it extremely difficult to tackle wicked problems. In fact, Albert Einstein would have probably agreed. Einstein once remarked,

“Without changing our patterns of thought, we will not be able to solve the problems created with our current pattern of thought.”

So, what are wicked problems?

“Wicked problems result from a mismatch with how things work and how we think or perceive they work.” – Derek Cabrera

Why Systems Thinking Is the Best Way To Innovate

Personally, Systems Thinking is my “aha” or epiphany generator. It is the best way to innovate. In fact, there are three ways to innovate.

  1. Invent something new.
  2. Make an existing product better.
  3. Combine two existing things into something new.

Systems Thinking is also perfect for learning something in one domain and transferring it to another. Along with his wife Laura, Derek discusses how Systems Thinking uses what is called a Far Transfer. This is learning something in one domain and transferring it to another in order to teach yourself 5-20 additional things.

Derek and Laura discovered Systems Thinking v2.0 after developing an equation. Yet, it was his wife Laura who helped him translate this into the real world. Laura is an expert in the field of Translational Research, which helps bring the abstract into reality. They then developed Systems Thinking v2.0 through four simple rules. However, let’s look at a couple of key concepts to understand before we discuss the four rules.

The Foundation of Systems Thinking

Mental Model

“All mental models are wrong; the practical question is how wrong do they have to be to not be useful.” – George E.P. Boy

This is the foundation of Systems Thinking. Derek informs us that a Mental Model is an explanation of someone’s thought process about how something works in the real world. Think back to our discussion on wicked problems. Wicked problems are present when our mental models are complex.

Derek provides the following equation for Mental Models.

Information + Structure = Mental Models

  • Information includes all material, information, or data of any kind that contribute to meaning.
  • Structure includes hidden contextual structure that contributes to meaning.

Complex Adaptive System

Complexity theory draws research from science that examines uncertainty and non-linearity. It emphasizes interactions and feedback loops that are continuously changing. This is why Systems Thinking must be a Complex Adaptive System (CAS). This provide us an understanding of a system and the system’s behavior.

The Four Simple Rules of Systems Thinking

Let’s now discuss the four simple rules of Systems Thinking v2.0. These rules are known as DSRP, which represents four cognitive functions that we must have to form new ideas:

  • Distinctions
  • Systems
  • Relationships
  • Perspectives

Distinctions

Simply put, every idea starts with a distinct thing or idea. Let’s see how Derek describes Distinctions.

  • They are the key to solving wicked problems.
  • They identify what a thing or even a problem IS and what it IS NOT.
  • They serve as the boundary that define an idea.
  • The things we see and think about derive meaning from other proximate things or ideas.
  • Essentially, words mean what we want them to mean.
  • Key words: compare, contrast, define, differentiate.

Systems

“A change in the way an idea is organized leads to a change in the meaning of the idea.” – Derek Cabrera

Similar to distinctions, every idea or thing is a system containing parts. Let’s take a look at how Derek describes Systems.

  • Any idea or thing can be split into parts (deconstruction).
  • Any idea or thing can be lumped into a whole (construction).
  • A person who can do both (split and lump) is called a “Slumper”.
  • Slumper’s are people who have the ability to both construct or synthesize ideas; additionally, they can deconstruct ideas to further our understanding.
  • Key words: part-whole, chunking, grouping, organizing.

“What makes something a part is that it belongs to a whole. What makes something a whole is that it has a part. Every whole has the potential to also be a part. Your mind needs to do the work to see this. In the real world, whatever you are looking at has parts.” – Derek Cabrera

Relationships

Relationships consist of an action and reaction. Here is how Derek defines Relationships.

  • We cannot understand much about a thing or idea without understanding the relationship between or among the ideas or systems.
  • All types of relationships require that we consider two underlying elements: action and reaction.
  • Key words: connect, interconnection, interaction, link, cause, effect, feedback.

Perspectives

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Derek Cabrera

Let’s now take a look at the last rule – Perspectives. We typically identify perspectives when we are able to identify the boundaries of a system and determine the relationships in a system. Derek defines Perspectives by the following.

  • Sometimes perspectives are so basic and so unconscious to us, we are unaware of them but they are always aware of us.
  • Perspectives are made up of two related elements: a Point from which we are Viewing and the thing or things that are in View (Point-of-View).
  • Being aware of the perspectives we take and do not take is paramount to deeply understanding ourselves and the world around us.
  • Shift perspectives and we transform distinctions, relationships, and systems we do and do not see.
  • Different perspectives result from changing the Point, the View, or Both.

“Perspectives can be used to make us expand our thinking and include more options (i.e. divergent thinking). It can also be used to restrict our thinking and cause greater focus (i.e. convergent thinking).” – Derek Cabrera

Fill in Gaps Through Systems Thinking

“Systems Thinking requires little more than practice in building cognitive building blocks. It is no different than building with different types of Legos, or the four different nucleotides in DNA.” – Derek Cabrera

Let’s look at how to use some of the tools in Systems Thinking v2.0. The first technique we will look at is called a Cognitive Jig. This is a powerful technique, one in which Derek informs us,

“Will increase our speed of thought.”

Types of Cognitive Jigs

  • Analogy. An analogy is the comparison of two things demonstrating similarities. Derek informs us,

“The genius behind the invention of analogies was that they gave us a mental model of a common way we understand things (i.e. by comparison to a known thing).”

  • Metaphor. A metaphor is used when we need to make a comparison between two things that are not alike, yet have something in common.

New Cognitive Jigs

  • Perspective Circles (P-Circle). P-Circles change the point (a) or the view (b) which changes the perspective. Another way to look at it is from an idea (b) from the perspective of an idea (a).
  • Part-Parties. They demonstrate a whole made up of parts. The basic idea is: 1) Break an idea or thing into parts; 2) Relate the parts. These can then be extended further by including perspective.
  • Barbells. You can look at Barbells as two ideas or things and the relationship between them. Expanded further, we find what is called an RDS Barbell, where: R = Relate; D = Distinguish; and S = Systematize. Derek calls these “algorithms for innovation.” He uses RDS Barbells in solving wicked problems as complexity is hidden in the interrelationship between ideas.

Tools to Help You Adapt Systems Thinking

Lastly, let’s take a brief look at some of the tools Derek and Laura have created to assist us in understanding and using Systems Thinking v2.0.

MetaMap. This platform was created to help us understand exactly how to map our thinking process using DSRP. You can even use it to map an outline to an essay! Best of all, this platform is free to use, you can try it out here: MetaMap

ThinkBlocks. These are 3D dry erase blocks that anyone of any age can use.

ThinkQuiry. This website uses what Derek refers to as “MadLib” style DSRP questions. These can be useful in helping us use the structure of DSRP to discover new ideas. It utilizes the Socratic Method and focuses on the questions more than the answers. Start to discover new ideas on ThinkQuiry.

If you can’t tell already, I highly recommend purchasing Systems Thinking Made Simple: New Hope for Solving Wicked Problems. Derek provides us a way to literally generate new and amazing ideas. There are an infinite number of thoughts in our mind, and an infinite number of systems we can use to explore our thoughts. Systems Thinking v2.0 provides us a powerful way to explore our thoughts.

Furthermore, Derek places everyone on a Consciousness and Competence Continuum. He describes the continuum as:

  1. We begin at the unconscious incompetence stage (we don’t know what we don’t know).
  2. If we are lucky, someone wakes us up and causes us to search for something more. We then move into the conscious incompetence stage, where we realize we have something we need to learn.
  3. Once we develop some competence, we then move into the unconscious competence stage. Here we practice a skill without being fully aware of the skill. There is some cognition, just not metacognition (thinking about thinking or cognition about cognition).
  4. When we finally move into the conscious-competence stage, we become aware of what we are doing so that we can adapt to where we need to be.

Successfully progressing along the continuum means we have an increase in our metacognitive awareness, which is extremely important as everything we experience is an ever-changing mental model.

Derek’s vision for Systems Thinking v2.0 is to develop 7 Billion Systems Thinkers! Let me end this article with three questions. These are the same questions Derek used to develop his vision and you can use it to develop yours.

  • Question #1: What pisses you off the most?
  • Question #2: What do you see today?
  • Question #3: What should you see tomorrow?

Featured photo credit: Pixabay via pixabay.com

Reference

[1] Derek Cabrera: Systems Thinking Made Simple
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By |September 18th, 2017|blog|0 Comments

How to Read Books You Aren't Interested in but Are Useful for You

Posted from http://feeds.lifehack.org/~r/LifeHack/~3/UAFQThi1-gQ/how-to-read-books-you-arent-interested-in-but-are-useful-for-you

Successful people read a lot. But they don’t just read anything and everything. They read specifically for self-improvement, education and success.

If you don’t believe me, just take a look at these stats:[1]

  • Warren Buffett reads between 600 and 1,000 pages per day.
  • Bill Gates reads about 50 books per year.
  • Mark Cuban reads for more than three hours every day.
  • Mark Zuckerberg read a book every two weeks throughout 2015.

As I’ve already stated, these hugely-successful people don’t just read anything, instead they self-educate and self-motivate through reading high-quality content.[2]

Fiction Books Have Stolen the Spotlight

People like Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg are prolific readers of books that help them to improve their skills, knowledge and understanding. But the average person appears to have little interest in reading self-improvement books.

If you look back at decades of book sales, you’ll see that fiction books tend to be much more popular than self-improvement books. 70% of the Amazon Best Sellers in 2016 are fictions including Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, Parts 1 & 2, Special Rehearsal Edition ScriptA Man Called Ove, and The Girl on the Train.[3]

Fiction books are designed and written in such a way as to impel you to continue reading them. There’s a hook or cliffhanger in every chapter that keeps you focused on reading until the last page, so that you can find out what happens next – and what happens at the end.

On the other hand, non-fiction books in the self-improvement field are intended to help you solve a problem or reach a specific goal. In most cases, these types of books are not written in story form (one exception is The Social Animal), rendering them less attractive to the majority of readers.

A lack of storytelling in self-improvement books leads many people to believe that the books are dull or difficult to read and understand.

Do you recognize yourself in the last sentence?

If you do, then the good news is that you’ve most likely being picking the wrong type of self-improvement books for you. For example, if you’re fascinated by space exploration, but choose to read a technical-heavy, scientific book on the subject – you’ll quickly lose interest. However, if you chose a book that is easier to understand, say an autobiography of a NASA astronaut, you’ll probably love the book – and boost your interest in space exploration.

You could also think of it this way, you’ve just stated to learn piano, but someone’s given you an advanced piano music sheet. Not only will you struggle with the sheet but it may put you off piano playing for life.

It’s All About Picking the Right Self-Improvement Books

So, what’s the secret to choosing the right level of non-fiction book?

Firstly, you need to have some context. That could be a problem you want to solve – or a goal you want to achieve. For instance, if you’re not planning on being an entrepreneur, then you’re unlikely to understand or enjoy the context of a book like High Output Management – even though it’s a highly-recommended self-improvement book.

Get the context right, and you’ll find an ocean of self-improvement books to help you learn and grow. The best of these books will give you clear advice and recommendations for bettering your life.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Fiction books and novels can be enjoyable, and often encourage imagination and creativity. However, they’re a less direct way of improving your daily life.

It’s worth repeating. Failing to pick the most suitable non-fiction books can discourage you from becoming a regular non-fiction reader. This could directly impact your chances of developing and growing.

Picking the Right Self-Improvement Books Starts with A Purpose

If you want to be highly-successful in life, then you must take advantage of the countless wisdom and knowledge available through self-improvement books.

The secret to choosing the most suitable self-improvement book for you is to understand your current situation – and to have a clear vision of what you hope to achieve in the future.

The ideal self-improvement book will be one that fits your current needs, and will be easy and enjoyable for you to read from start to finish.

Let’s say you’re interested in becoming a graphic designer. If the first book you read is aimed at qualified, professional graphic designers, then it’s unlikely to be the book for you. Instead, if you choose a book such as The Non-Designer’s Design Book, you’ll probably find the book a fun and fascinating read. And it’s likely to whet your appetite to read more books on graphic design. Perhaps this time, books that are slightly more advanced.

Picking the wrong book will instantly discourage you from reading and learning more. Picking the right book, however, will spark your interest – and help you find constant opportunities to grow and improve.

Good Self-Improvement Books Will Capture Your Attention – and Boost Your Knowledge

If you haven’t yet started and finished a self-improvement book, then ask yourself what is stopping you delving into the genre? Is it fear of the unknown, or a lack of understanding what self-improvement books can offer?

From my own experience, I can tell you that if you choose a non-fiction that meets a desire or need that you have, you’ll be hooked by the content. And you’ll likely finish the book in rapid time – even though the book doesn’t have a storyline like novels do.

If your purpose of reading is to look for an answer you want, then this will inspire sufficient curiosity to keep you avidly reading until the last word of the book.

The right book will also be easy to understand, and will effortlessly keep your interest and attention.

Self-improvement books can open up all kinds of future opportunities for you. You’ll learn new things, be inspired, and develop a deep love of practical knowledge and wisdom. And the most exciting thing? You’ll be able to apply the ideas and advice that you learn to your daily life. And once you do this, you’ll be likely to see a trend towards positive results.

You and I are wired to seek progress and results, and when we achieve these things through the help of self-improvement books, then we’ll be naturally encouraged to explore more self-improvement content.

3 Tips for Choosing the Perfect Self-Improvement Book

Hopefully, I’ve boosted your interest in becoming a reader of self-improvement books. And I want to finish this article by giving you some specific advice on choosing the perfect book for you.

1. Begin your search by analyzing your problems

Take a good look at yourself and your life, and identify any problems you’re facing. Perhaps you’re unsatisfied with some areas of your life, such as health, relationship or work issues?

2. Picture the answer you seek

Once you’ve identified a problem (or problems), try to figure out the causes behind the problems. For example, if you suffer from a lack of self-confidence, was this caused by overly-dominant parents or teachers? If you believe that to be so, then keep the problem and cause in mind when you come to choose a book.

Here’s an effective way to help you find out the root cause of a problem: How To Make the Invisible Cause Visible

3. Keep the kind of answer you want in your mind as pick the book

A keyword search of an online bookseller’s listing (such as Amazon), will usually throw up dozens or even hundreds of results. However, you can narrow these results down by:

  • Reading the foreword – but understanding that this is designed to hook you in to purchase the book.
  • Looking at comments, both the best and the worst reviews of the book. Here’s a smart way to read comments: The Ugly Truth About Comments and Reviews That No One Knows
  • Viewing a sample of the book’s content. (This will give you a feel for the style and substance.)
  • Considering whether the book can give you the answer(s) you need.

The whole process may take you some time but it will be worth it.

After picking the right book, keep your desired answer in mind as you read. Skim through the chapters to see if there’s anything important you should read first.

Some people find that they don’t need to follow the order set in the book, but in most cases, I suggest you try to stick to the original order. The majority of writers will build on their advice, and to jump out of the intended order, can lead to confusion and loss of context.

Having said that, if your problem is urgent, you might want to skip sections in order to quickly find your desired answer. However, if you do this, make sure you have a complete understanding of the answer, even though you haven’t read every single page or word of the book.

Perhaps after finishing your first self-improvement book, you’ll come up with a new problem and seek another answer. This is how you will keep reading (and finishing) self-improvement books – something you had zero interest in before.

Featured photo credit: Stock Snap via pixabay.com

Reference

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By |September 16th, 2017|blog|0 Comments

FREE Swag Bucks! September Swago PLUS Spin & Win

Posted from http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/mrsjanuary/~3/vXqyTrRHLYc/

The digital rewards site Swagbucks is holding a big “Swago” promotion starting Monday, September 11th at 9am PDT!

Swago is just like bingo, but in this case you’re filling out squares as you earn points on their site for doing things you already do online. If you’re thinking of trying Swagbucks, this is a great chance to learn all about how the site works and earn bonus points while doing it.

Here are a few tips:

Each square on your Swago Board will contain an action item to complete. They can be anything from getting a search win, completing a survey, or just visiting one of our popular stores!

Once you complete the action item in a particular square the square will change color signifying the action item is complete.

You have until 12pm PT/3pm ET on Tuesday, September 19th to mark off as many squares as possible so use your time wisely.

Be mindful of the patterns and their corresponding bonuses located on the right of your Swago Board. The patterns will vary in difficulty and bonus value. Once you’ve achieved a pattern, the corresponding “Submit” button will light up. You can have multiple patterns available for submission, however, you can only submit ONE pattern so choose wisely.

Each activity you successfully complete on your Swago Board will give you anywhere from 1-20 spins on the Spin & Win Wheel. PLUS, when you submit your board for a bonus you’ll get additional spins. The number of spins will depend on the pattern you complete. The wheel has all sorts of great prizes that you can win, and each spin is a winner!

The Spin & Win Wheel will be available all throughout Swago and expires at the same time.

Fill up your board and then submit your pattern to get even more points – if you can fill in the whole board, you get a 300 SB bonus, which goes a long way towards your first gift card from the retailer of your choice.

Click here right now and click “Join” to get started! If you don’t already have a Swagbucks account, you’ll be able to quickly sign up; PLUS, if 300 SB before the first of next month, you’ll get a bonus 300 SB!

The post FREE Swag Bucks! September Swago PLUS Spin & Win appeared first on Coupons & Deals, Frugal Living.


By |September 15th, 2017|blog|0 Comments

How to Train (and Conquer) Like Wonder Woman

Posted from http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/entrepreneur/latest/~3/MsUoV0wvmKo/300093

Build the muscle memory you need to succeed in athletics, business and life.


By |September 15th, 2017|blog|0 Comments

Does Slow and Steady Really Win the Race?

Posted from http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/entrepreneur/latest/~3/OyX84xdXMq0/300240

How to be more consistent with your work.


By |September 14th, 2017|blog|0 Comments

The Fallout of Not Facing the Toxic Behaviors of a Selfish Friend

Posted from http://feeds.lifehack.org/~r/LifeHack/~3/nY-3_v2c2lw/the-fallout-of-not-facing-the-toxic-behaviors-of-a-selfish-friend

Back in high school, my best friend and I would hang out all the time. We were in the same grade, we lived pretty close to each other, and we shared a lot of interests – tennis, the piano, and reading. We spent hours and hours talking about everything. She was smart and easy to talk to. But the problem was, she only seemed to care about herself. So when I wanted to share problems or successes in my own life, she was totally uninterested. Hanging out with her only left me feeling sad and lonely.

It can be hard to identify toxic aspects of any relationship. But just because you see your friends often doesn’t mean you’re not lonely. Toxic behaviors turn your good intentions into vain acts. Selfish friends will focus far more on their own needs, neglecting yours. While hanging out will be fun for a while, they will consistently drain your energy and leave you feeling abandoned.

The Flawed Ways to Handle a Selfish Friend

Imagine a friend who is constantly minimizing your own life stresses and always talking about troubles in his own love life. You have a deadline coming up when he calls you one evening. You explain the situation to him and ask if you can talk another time. Outraged, he yells and gives you an ultimatum. He doesn’t want to hear from you again.

You have a lot of ways you might respond to him. These are some common ways people use to deal with such relationship.

1. Take In Everything

Many people simply accept the toxic behaviors by staying silent and sometimes even enabling them. You might call your friend back, apologize, and give him some time to talk about his latest disastrous date.

This is the path of least resistance, so it’s easy to fall into this kind of pattern.

But this isn’t a real solution. By accepting your friend’s toxic behaviors, you hurt your own ego, feel sad and more stressed in your personal life, and overall feel like your friendship is extremely turbulent. Sacrificing your own needs won’t fix anything. Gradually it will start to take a toll on your mental health and make you feel depressed.

2. Cast Shadow Upon Others

Another option is to steer into the skid: mimicking the friend’s selfish behavior when you hang out. It feels better to do this than to be victimized. But by doing this, even unconsciously, you become the toxic friend in other relationships. It’s harmful to you as well as the friendship.

Imagine that, in response to your friend’s selfish behaviors, you also start behaving this way to everyone in your life. Instead of giving your friends space when they need it, you demand all of their time for your problems. You feel like you’re always forced to take your friend’s bad behaviors, so you take it out on your friends, family, and your significant other. This vicious circle will harm everyone in your life and only spread the selfishness onward like a communicable virus.

3. Cut Ties Sharply

Finally, some people sharply cut ties with their toxic friends. While this will get rid of your problems, it doesn’t really fix them. What’s more, your selfish (ex-)friend may not understand your motivations or actions and return with passive-aggressive behaviors.

If your selfish friend suddenly can’t get in touch with you for weeks upon weeks, they will feel totally confused and abandoned. Think about how they might react — not just with confusion, but anger. They may lash out at you in other ways, perhaps talking to mutual friends about how selfish you are, or trying to get in touch with you even more aggressively. This too can take a mental and emotional toll on you. Avoidance isn’t the answer.

Real Solutions to Save the Friendship

Lots of people want to fix toxic relationships with band-aid fixes, but band-aids don’t fix relationships. To deal with feelings and relationships, it takes time and effort. These are the real solutions to deal with a selfish friend and genuinely fix your friendship.

Openly talk about your feelings with your friend.

Let them know how their actions have been harming you personally. Be specific but kind here. It’s important to communicate that you want honesty and that you’re committed to sustaining and improving the friendship.

Share your personal boundaries.

Explain what exactly it is that you need from your friend in order to make the relationship feel equal. For example, you might tell your friend that you can’t always talk on the phone late at night when you have deadlines. Don’t tell them that you can’t ever talk on the phone late at night, but explain that you need them to give you space when you are stressed or busy.

Listen openly and be willing to compromise.

Be open to hearing their honest feelings and reactions to what you are saying. It’s possible that their actions might be related to your behaviors too. Be honest with yourself and with your friend, and you are likeliest to have the best results.

Finally, if your friend simply refuses to listen to your feelings and clearly has no interest in engaging in an honest conversation, admit defeat. If you can’t fix the relationship, then that’s that. Leave it be, move on, and focus on building and maintaining your healthy friendships.

But oftentimes, a friendship is worth salvaging and you never know how wonderful a friendship can be if you never try. Many friends don’t realize that they are behaving selfishly, and talking with them honestly can really turn things around.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

The post The Fallout of Not Facing the Toxic Behaviors of a Selfish Friend appeared first on Lifehack.


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